Today.....

...... was supposed to be Lexi's birthday! my original due date was April 23rd it is wierd to think I would of been fatter than a planet right now. When some people have asked me what happened I usually never get through it because I get all teary. So I thought that today would be the most appropiate day to share my story. It might get long sorry.

Everything up until I was 5 months pregnant was going really well, at all my monthly check ups her heart beat was great all looked good. It wasnt until we went in to find out what we were having when all the bad news just kept flooding in. We were so excited to find out we were having a girl. Taylor and I both thought for sure it was going to be a boy but we adjusted quick to the idea of a girl. I kept expecting the radiologist to be like looks like your having a "healthy baby girl" ya know like they say to everyone else. She didnt say that but she also didnt say anything was wrong I could just tell by the questions she was asking me. I left the doctors that day feeling a little uneasy.

The next day I missed a call from my doctor and my stomach kinda just kringed because my doctor never calls its usually his assistant. I knew at this point something was up and I told taylor I dont dare call him back I dont want to know what he has to say. I built up the courage to call him back and I was shaking really bad. He told me that my babys limbs were a couple weeks behind the rest of her body. He reassured me that he has seen this before and it really is no big deal but just to be safe he was going to send me to a specialist in MFN (maternal fetal medicine) where you go when something is wrong with your baby. I got an ultrasound from the MFN doctor and she said yea it looks like your baby could have some kind of bone dysplaysia and the most common of those is Dwarfism.. my jawed dropped and we looked at the doctor like she was crazy seriously... how is that possible!! but she also said but maybe the limbs are just taking longer than the rest and they could catch up. So taylor and I made another appointment with the doc in MFN in three weeks to get another ultrasound to see her improvment. 3 Looooooong weeks went by and taylor and I were nervous because we had been hoping and praying that her limbs had caught up at least a couple of weeks. The doc came in took a look at my baby and I will never forget the look on her face and I knew at that moment that I was not going to get this baby. She told me that pretty much all together not only did her limbs not grow her whole body stopped growing. This was on jan 11. she told me she wanted me to come back on wed Jan 13. to see if she still had a heart beat.
Taylor and I left the hospital me in tears (taylor doesnt cry) . Taylor said to me everything will be ok Kristin there just exaggerating it. I wanted to believe him but Iknew she wasnt going to make it. Its a undescribable feeling basically just waiting till your baby stops moving. All day I would just sit there making sure I felt her move. I remember that night I woke up from a dead sleep it was 4:00am in morning I was wide awake and I felt Lexi move its like she woke me up to say goodbye I told her I loved her then I just knew she was gone.

I happened to have a doctors appointment the next day Jan.12 with my regular doctor. My appointment was at 3p. Taylors parents were coming in to town on thurs and I was so worried I wasn't going to get the house clean before I left because I wasnt for sure If I was going to be coming back home or if I was going to be admitted into the hospital . Something just kept telling me clean before you go to your appointment. That little voice also told me to pack a bag. I was only hesitant to do it because I thought taylor would think i was crazy. He thought it was probably going to be ok. I did it anyway packed my bag cleaned my house as much as I could.

I was so nervous for my appointment I knew she was gone but the site of actually not seeing her heart beat I knew was going to kill me. I just kept thinking about her little hands and feet that I had seen so many times on the ultrasound I didnt know if I had the strengh to see them when she was out. The doctor confirmed there was no heartbeat and admitted me right then into the hospital to induce me to get her out. I called my Mom and sisters balling to let them know Lexi was gone. 17 (not fun) hours later she came Jan 13, 1 pound, 11 inches.

I will always remember her cute little body. They did molds of her hands and feet, took pictures, gave me some clothes to put her in and took pictures of her. I am grateful for those memories I have of her. I know with all my heart that she is where she is supposed to be and that I will get to see her again. How grateful I am for the knowledge of heavenly fathers plan. These are the things that makes it so I can handle it. I read this book and it said just picture yourself giving your baby to heavenly father. I sometimes get these urges wanting to squeeze her little hands and cuddle with her. Everyday I am grateful for her and I feel lucky that I have a little angel watching over me.